Poetry: Bah Bah Yellow Sheep

Happy National Adoption Month. Where adoptees everywhere are working on, have stopped trying in, or are flat-out ignoring the shift in adoption narratives. In particular, international and transracial adoption has proven to be problematic for a few reasons. White Savior Complex, Dysfunctional Family Dynamics, and a host of Attachment Disorders and Abandonment Issues are all too common.

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Cynicism aside, this poem has been brewing in my head for several years, the phrase “Bah Bah Yellow Sheep” nearly haunting me.

As a kid, into my teenage years, and even my young adulthood, I resented and grieved some of the things I did or did not carry in my hyphenated identity. The school district I attended is 98% white. I am one of two People of Color in my extended family of around 200 members. Asian race, Korea, and being different were ambiguous and triggered some anxiety, self-hate, and confusion.

The repeated phrase in this poem represents a lack of identity and ritual. It sounds like dissonance. It eggs on the imposter syndrome I carry with me. The beauty of my identity is elusive, a work in progress, and has not always shined like it does – mainly because I sometimes I can’t see it.

Enjoy.

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Bah Bah Yellow Sheep
have you any wool.
In this story, what’s the difference
between the sheep and the wolf.

I grip that yellow label like
drawing with yellow colored pencil.
A foreign utensil on surface of my reflection in the mirror.
Trying my best to emulate almond eyes and latte flavored skin.
The tint of my iris
a depth of identity
I never even asked for
but stuck to adjust and discover that
I’d never asked for other.
It’s a sick twisted fact
like a lemon full of lime juice
peculiar and unique but still unwanted and
wrong.
My mom-
I’m her everything yet
I am loss upon loss like

Bah Bah Yellow Sheep
The wool is a wash.
They peeled my skin
and put some excuse for yellow
on top.

Yet I feel
everyone asking
“Bah bah yellowsheep,
have you any wool?”
I have none to offer you.
My wool
my skin
my asian-eyed grin.
My food and cuisine
or idol-clad magazine.
Fashion and models, music and bottles.
There’s an imperative to be Korean
to be something I am not.

Bah Bah Yellow Sheep
Have you any wool.
An appropriating response
because yes sir, yes sir, three bags full.
Bah Bah Yellow Sheep
I didn’t to begin.
Scrape the language from my tongue
and take a mother from her son.

What I have is more than gold or trade or weight.
It’s real wealth.
A real wealth of issues
like having parents that don’t want me
like asking if I’m even meant to be here not like here-here but
existing.
like belonging somewhere but not ever knowing where that is
like wanting answers that I don’t need like any other adult in their 20s
like being dramatic and feel-y and I just need to
take a deep breath.
What I have is more than gold or trade or weight.
And I know it.
And even I ask myself still
Bah Bah Yellow Sheep
have you any wool?

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as always, thanks for reading

karl